The Birthday Blues

Have you ever known someone to dislike their birthday? If you asked me that question I'd say sure, someone who doesn't like getting older. But lately--for the past, oh, five years or so--I've been horribly uncomfortable on my birthday and it has nothing to do with the number of candles on the cake.

I hesitate to even tell you how I feel for fear that I will offend you with my "poor me" attitude. Believe me, I spent all day telling myself to get over it. But perhaps if you've felt this way you will know you're not alone--so here goes.

Birthdays are overwhelming. Expectations and reality are sometimes different. From the moment I wake up people are singing to me, serving me, making plans for me, checking to see if I'm happy. Are you? Do you like it? Do you want to do this? Eat this? Wear this? Watch this? How are you? How about now? The more my husband and kids spoil me me the more anxious I feel. My heart races and my stomach churns. I want to cry. I want the attention off of me. I begin to hear those ugly voices I only hear a few times a year mock me: Who are you to deserve any special attention? What have you done with your life?

My birthday is the one day that exposes who I really am--not what I do or think, but who I AM. A whole day celebrates that fact that I exist, that I was born, that I am here another year. Peel off the layers, peek inside my soul, see if that's worth celebrating or not. Like an open house for my life--Everybody, come in! Poke around, notice the bare spots and worn spots, the shabby parts that need work. Traipse on through. Open every closet. What do you think? Do you love me anyway? I feel embarrassed to have been seen naked, exposed, vulnerable. I didn't really invite you in, did I? I should have cleaned up. I wasn't ready.


I prayed all day yesterday to rid myself of those thoughts.

But I found myself snapping, criticizing, finding fault yesterday. It was as if I was making myself unlikeable to justify my feelings. A self-fulfilling prophesy, as it were.

And I cried. Oh my gravy, did I cry. Buckets and rivers all over the house. Just when I thought I could take a deep breath and handle people, someone would say something (nice) and I'd have to leave the room. I couldn't even sit there for my birthday candle lighting. It was just too much.

And how does it look to my family when I boo-hoo every few minutes, when they've spent all day making sure I was happy? Ungrateful and selfish, I'm sure.

Wow, really? After all they've done for you? You're hurting their feelings. You don't deserve them.

And I know I don't. They are so good to me.

They cleaned the whole house, made me dinner. We had my favorite, Chinese chicken cabbage salad. Bryce got a babysitter and we, plus the two older kids, went to an amazing performance of The Color Purple. It was all I could do to get dressed and go but I'm glad I did.

I was glad to finally get to bed and put that anxiety away.

This morning I woke up, grateful for the attention to be off me. Business as usual. Back to normal. Relief. I can appreciate you for you, and let you appreciate me for me because I truly am thankful to have your love, support, and friendship. I am glad to be alive another day.

The Boys' Locker Room

Conversation with Mary.

Mary: Girls rule!

Me: Girls are awesome. But boys are pretty good too.

Mary: But girls are superior when it comes to personal hygiene. You should smell the boys' locker room at school!

Me: You've been in there?

Mary: Of course not. Every time they open the door I can smell it . . . blech.

Me: Is it worse that Tyce's room?

Mary: Oh Mom. It is 100 times worse. You know how some boys emit that corn chip smell? Apparently some boys also emit a rotten egg smell. Or rotten milk. Whatever it is, it's horrible. I feel bad for Ms. Jennings because she stands at the doorway between classes and when she sees us coming back from P.E. she pretends to have something important to do in the room so she doesn't have to smell the boys go by.

Me: Well I will agree that 6th grade girls are more evolved than most middle school boys in that area.

Mary: Yeah, I know the girls smell fine because my friends spray so much perfume, deodorant, and body spray I can't even see how to get out of our locker room sometimes.

Volleyball

It's been a great season so far. I'm not sure what their record is but I have enjoyed watching the team's energy and spirit. In the first pictures Tyce is wearing a blue jersey. In the second set he's wearing a black one because he's playing libero. The twins love cheering at the games. Well actually--they just love the snack shack. The don't have a lot of patience for the actual volleyball action but on Tuesday when it was all over they ran onto the court to hug Tyce, who scooped them both up in his arms. Cutest thing ever to see those little guys adore their big brother, and to see him love them back.

 

That last game was a heartbreaker--they lost by a point. But those JV Wolves (especially #9!) did great and they're all winners in my book.

This is my Class

Behold the freshmen boys. Today there were just two girls--on a good day we have five. But no matter what those poor girls are woefully outnumbered.

In the back: Kyle S., Rachael O., Sua M., Bryson K., Dallin K., Daisy G., Andrew L., Spencer S.  In the middle: Rielly R., Zack K. On the floor: Brian D., Tyler F., Bo P.

Today was one of our boy's last day with us. Sister Bindrup came and made smoothies while I "taught" a lesson. They were wound up and could only handle about 3 minutes of a discussion on the second coming of Christ. I hope the words of Isaiah sink in a little better tomorrow.

We took a group picture for Tyler, who's moving to California this week. Class won't be the same without him, that's for sure. We gave him a going-away present of various treats. I also put a bow on a flyswatter for him to remember us by. That represents one of our class's favorite scripture mastery games--the teacher reads a clue and one member from each of two teams runs to the front of the room to swat the scripture reference taped to the wall. First one to slap the correct paper--their team gets the point. It's not a quiet game but they kids really like it. So after seminary Tyler went to school with a big bag of food and a flyswatter . . . I'm sure that didn't cause any problems at all. Ha.

St. Patrick's Day

When St. Patrick's Day falls on a Saturday . . . well, you just have to trust me that it happened and that I did stuff. I had no idea where my camera was when I made green smoothies for breakfast or gave the kids light-up shamrock necklaces. Whee! Nothing makes a Saturday full of chores more fun than a flashing plastic bling.

Later that night we hosted the JV volleyball team dinner. Eleven boys came and ate: 10 pizzas, a crockpot of nacho cheese, two bags of tortilla chips, a vegetable tray, four dozen cookies, two pounds of strawberries, and a case of water. I said the word "Kool-Aid" and everyone started laughing. Apparently I stepped right into an inside joke. When it looked like the boys were still hungry Tyce raided our food storage closet and brought out Rice Krispy treats, packaged brownies, and Fruit by the Foot. After fueling up Bryce drove the boys to the church building to play basketball. Bryce and Tyce said the boys all had a great time.

The other kids and I stayed upstairs and watched movies on the AeroBed. They got to eat crazy snacks and stay up late. Lucky kids. That seems right because we're all Irish one day a year, hm? Hope you had a lucky day and that you stayed clear of those pesky leprechauns!

Bryce's New Project

People who never even say hello have complimented him on his fine new beard.

For Mormon men it's a symbol of liberation, a sign of release from their former positions in the church that required clean-cut respectability. First comes the facial hair, and next thing you know they're sporting colored shirts to sacrament meeting. You know it's true.

(Though I can't imagine Bryce ever wearing anything to church but white.)

Bryce worked and waited many weeks to let his beard fill in. Did you know that he actually has some navy blue whiskers amongst the red, brown, and blonde? That's pirate-worthy coloring for sure.

I think he looks very handsome and I like his new look. But not everyone feels that way; a girl at church named Jaden came up to him and said disapprovingly, "What are you, an Irishman or something?" You've got to love kids who say what they really think!

But amongst his peers he's gotten nothing but respect for his new look. I love that he's happy and I hope he keeps it for a while.

Psalms

I taught two lessons about the Psalms this week. What beautiful praises those are. I showed my class two video interpretations of Psalm 23 (The Lord is my shepherd). The first was transcribed from the Masoretic text with an ancient melody and Hebrew subtitles. This may have been how David played it himself. The second was a beautiful rendition of our LDS hymn.

I love Psalm 24:3-4. We have a scripture mastery song we sing to this verse and it's my favorite one because of the melody and also the message.

Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.

Isn't it interesting to think that Jesus himself studied those very scriptures? As a young child he read the poetic prophesies of his birth, ministry, death, and resurrection in those words. In his life he quoted from the Psalms more than any other book, and why was that? I think because the people were likely very familiar with the words. Those who truly understood with their minds and hearts recognized Jesus as the promised Messiah, the Savior of the World. Would I have been among the believers who recognized Him?

Greg Olsen, Lost No More

Once a religion professor told me that if I was ever feeling down or only had time to read a few scriptures, to turn to Psalms. Through my study this week I have felt blessed to study those passages. I have indeed been renewed.

Lots o' Pictures

1. Nevada Reading Week
As one of their special days the kids dressed as a character from history. Harrison was Meriwether Lewis of the exploring duo Lewis and Clark. I love how his costume turned out. Cameron wanted to wear my chef jacket so he became Hector Boiardi, aka Chef Boyardee! Did you know that the real Chef catered Woodrow Wilson's second wedding?

Harrison the adventurer.

Cameron will-a make-a you-a the spaghetti!

Harrison liked having binoculars. Cam liked having a mustache.

Katie hated their costumes! She barked at them until they left for school.

2. Volleyball
Tyce made the JV team, which I mentioned before.

On his way to try-outs. Congratulations to him on his hard work in the off-season and best wishes for a great set of games to come!

3. Colt of the Month!
Harrison earned this award for slowing down and improving his handwriting.

Proud mom with her boy.

He got a certificate and a cool rubber Colt of the Month bracelet.

4. Shoes
I went through a bracelet phase, then a purse phase. Now I'm into shoes. These beauties boost me up as high as when I walk on my tip-toes.

Check it.

5. Boys' Presidents' Day trip to California
Bryce and the boys went to Malibu for a day. They played at the beach and went crab fishing. They had a blast!

Cam is cool.

Tyce and Harrison by the pier.

Tyce casting his line.

The boys played in the water--Cam for only a short while. But Harrison love it.

Cam while he lasted--out with the tide!

Harrison along the shore.

Fly away!

Hi-ya!

Cameron's more like me--not really in to sand and getting wet.

Tyce caught this ugly critter.

Can you imagine trying to eat this?

6. Girls' Day for Presidents' Day
Mary and I had a girly day. We went to the movies, the mall, and out to lunch.

At Claire's in the mall with Bella. We were there forever picking out the best deals.

At lunch the next day--she dressed up so nicely!

With my favorite girl.

I think her hair looked so pretty. That's a new braided headband.

7. Star-Spangled Spectacular
The entire 1st grade put on a show. Our boys sang and signed "I'm Proud to Be an American" and I couldn't help snerveling into my shirtsleeve. Man, that song gets me every time.

Harrison's in the middle in white, and Cam's next to him in a red lifeguard shirt. So cute!

8. Fun at the Doctor
Mary's neurologist check-up. She tries to act normal for the doctor and his staff but when it's just the two of us . . .

She is almost 5'6 and weighs 98 lbs.

She sticks Altoids up her nose to gross me out.

She thinks she's sooooooo funny.

9. A Day with Ammon and J. J.
The boys had their friends over. They ate waffles and then went swimming.

Harrison, J.J., Ammon, and Cam. These are some seriously sweet little dudes.

So that's what's been going on with us. Stay tuned for pictures of Bryce's newest project!

Like a Note in my Lunch Box

Check out this message on my chalkboard from Tyce.

What a nice surprise! Guess what else...he used the scratchy chalk that's impossible to completely erase. I'll probably get to look at the remnants of the message every day until someone comes to professionally clean the building.

I used to write him little notes on the napkins I'd stick between his sandwich and chips in elementary school. Now that he's written something special for me and I have to say--it feels pretty good.

Love you and thank you, Tyce. That made my day.

P.S. He made the JV volleyball team!

Don't Mess with this Beauty

This gorgeous girl who looks modest, lovely, and kind . . .

After school today

Before church yesterday

Posing on the balcony

Hugging the dog

 . . . is the same girl who leaves messages like this in the refrigerator.

Guarding her carrot juice and wellness smoothie

Carrot juice

Her own grapes

Her beloved stinky cheese

Just in case you thought these were for you . . . they're not.