Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Manipulation

One day the doorbell rang and my little kids scrambled to answer it. "Mom! It's for you!" they cried as they pushed and shoved each other for the best view of the visitor. I thrust my leg across the threshold to keep my puppy-like preschoolers from escaping. On my porch was a very handsome young black man, selling a cleaning product.

"Really? Another salesperson?" I inwardly groaned. I had a NO SOLICITORS sign up once but it had disappeared. I had my rejection speech down as pat as any salesperson's pitch: "Nothankyounotinterestedgoodbye" as I shut the door. I'd done it dozens of times.

But this guy threw me off my game. He completely charmed me, mesmerized me, and put me under his spell. I don't even know how it happened. He complimented me and I fell for his lines. He spun his sales pitch like it was written for me, with clever rhymes and polished cadence. Before I knew it I had bought his magical cleaning supplies. I hated myself while I wrote the check--for $100!--but I couldn't stop it. I knew there was nothing special about those chemicals but yet I was compelled to buy three bottles.

He left and I shut the door. I looked at the name of the product on the bottles, Avantage . . . and realized I'd bought cleaner from a company that couldn't even spell a real word. A one hundred dollar mistake? What a fool I was! I hid the bottles and tried to hide my shame along with them. I made a new NO SOLICITORS sign and slapped it on my door. Don't come around and sell your snake oil to me again! I'm on to you!

Sometimes I've been charmed; sometimes I've been intimidated. After I'd graduated from college I needed a job; one morning I searched through the newspaper's classifieds. I called on one that was vague but intriguing. I spoke with a young professional man who used terms like "self-starter" "immediate growth" and all the other buzz-words that surround multi-level marketing. There was also travel involved, and we only had one car. I was turned off by his attitude and knew this wasn't the job for me. He was persistent, strong-arming me to bring my husband to an informational meeting. Trying to be diplomatic I said, "I will have to ask my husband about it." The interviewer snidely asked, "You have to ask your husband for permission to get a job?" That did it! I hate confrontation and I sure wasn't going to cave in to a bully. I hung up without another word.

And I thought I'd wised up. I certainly haven't bought anything like that again I haven't taken a job I didn't want. Perhaps because I've become more savvy in that department, I thought I was doing well, perhaps immune to manipulation. Well, if I had no children I might still pat myself on the back. Kids are the ultimate salespeople, the ultimate charmers. I can't tell you the number of times I've bought into a plan, idea, or excuse that when I explain it to Bryce, it dawns on me: I've been played like a fiddle.

Sometimes it's done in a positive way: offering to help me, distracting me with a story from school. Other times it's done negatively: guilting me into helping/doing/enabling, or going for my personal jugular (like the one night a child told me that God didn't want me to have kids because I would have been--and am--a terrible, uncaring, lazy mother). And other times I don't even realize it's going on at all. There have been two times when professionals have proffered that *I* wasn't really running the show at our house. At first I scoffed, because, hello, I'm the mother, I'm the boss. But when you weigh the facts and evidence there's a lot to support the claim that there are certain things I'm not in control of at all. Somewhere along the line, slowly, I have bought hundreds of proverbial $100 cleaners--for the sole reason that I am charmed by the seller. And sometimes, wanting to avoid a fight.

The thing is, I love my kids so much that I want to help. Do things. Etc. 

Now that I know what's going on and want to change it . . . oh boy, it's not going to be an easy road. I read a really good article that make me feel like the author has been spying on our household. But it is what it is . . . all we can do is move forward and try our best.

5 comments:

Emmy said...

We already sometimes say- who is really in charge? We are def working on it though

FoReVeR WeLcH said...

hahhahahaa i HAVE an OLD nasty half used bottle under my sink cuz the salesman showed greg and it took the paint off our driveway like 4 years ago..... price on bottle 25.00. A few weeks ago two guys show up in white shirts and plaid shorts... my grandpa LET EM IN thinking they were elders!!!!!!!So now i have these two strangers IN MY HOUSE showing me these cleaning supplies. (which now come in diff SCENTS) mine from 4 years ago was ONE scent- all jobs! Now they've made em ALL different for different things... so ipull out my half used bottle and show them i ALREADY have it- Thanks to my hubby- But this is NEW AND IMPROVED they say..... i say no thanks ill get with em when my bottle is empty! However my mom is realed in..... then they drop the price! 40.00.. WHAT????? my 4 year old bottle says 25!!!! BUt this is new and improved!!!! uhhhhg so they suckered my mom out of 40.00 and they left and i had to tell my grandpa to NOT just let people into my house!!!!!!!!!

RoguePancake said...

a "terrible, uncaring [and] lazy mother"!?! did you SLAP that kid? if you didn't i'll come over and do it for you RIGHT NOW! i hope you know you aren't any of those things. what an awful thing to say. i hope you came back with, "if i could have had other kids, why would i have ever taken YOU?" what a brat.

ok, done venting. (but the offer to slap for you still stands - call me anytime!)

*hugs* love ya

Rebecca and Co. said...

Jen, I will tell you what I tell my kids...don't poke a crazy person. :) When this child acts like this--they are already beyond reason. They want to hurt because they feel hurt. It's an abnormal reaction that underscores this person's underlying emotional and chemical mis-wiring. I don't say this to excuse the behavior but it helps me to understand that it's not about ME. The child knows when he or she has crossed the line, which is good because it means that they understand that what they're doing is wrong. But beyond the moral issue there is that medical issue that still needs to be adequately addressed, which we are still working on.

RoguePancake said...

those kids, and that one in particular, are lucky to have you. good luck working out all those bio-chemical kinks; not fun.