Book Club

Oh yeah, the highlight of my week was last night! We had our meeting at my house and started a conversation about utopian society. I don't think we ended there but that's where we started. :)

In the "ideal" world into which Jonas was born, everybody has sensibly agreed that well-matched married couples will raise exactly two offspring, one boy and one girl. These children's adolescent sexual impulses will be stifled with specially prescribed drugs; at age 12 they will receive an appropriate career assignment, sensibly chosen by the community's Elders. This is a world in which the old live in group homes and are "released"--to great celebration--at the proper time; the few infants who do not develop according to schedule are also "released," but with no fanfare. Lowry's development of this civilization is so deft that her readers, like the community's citizens, will be easily seduced by the chimera of this ordered, pain-free society. Until the time that Jonas begins training for his job assignment--the rigorous and prestigious position of Receiver of Memory--he, too, is a complacent model citizen. But as his near-mystical training progresses, and he is weighed down and enriched with society's collective memories of a world as stimulating as it was flawed, Jonas grows increasingly aware of the hypocrisy that rules his world.

I recently read the carepage of a friend-of-a-friend who's 4-year-old son died of cancer last week. His funeral was today. When I read her heart-wrenching entries, I thought a lot about pain.

Time of Death ,11:22am ... Never thought I would ever hear these words about my 4 1/2year old son. But this morning , those words got engraved in my mind and my heart forever.

Julian fought until the last painful breath. Again NOTHING peaceful about this process until , until he stopped gasping for air.

Julian looked like a fish out of the water, trying so hard to fill those lungs ,but nothing. You could see the normal breathing motions his body made, but nothing got past his throat.Finally he stopped fighting.

When he started having a hard time breathing I went to get Ken . He stood on one side of the bed and i was on there with Julian . We talked him thru his transition . We told him it would be ok . We told him we were proud of him . I told him to say Hi to Jesus for me. I told him that Cody and Jacob were waiting for him . I told him that we would be ok . I told him he wouldnt hurt anymore. I told him good night. I told him I loved him . I told him to play and run .

The nurse took his shirt off and told us to touch him , that he could feel us and we needed to feel him . I put my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart beat. Then it slowed down . Then I could not feel it anymore. I heard his first heartbeat and felt his last one.

We got the boys and told them . Sam asked if we were sure he was gone. Then he said it was wierd because he didnt feel like crying . Then he asked to hold him . I needed to clean and dress Ju first .

I held Julian . Debra gave him a bed bath , as she had been doing for the past few weeks, put lotion all over him , loved and kissed on him . 1 month ago , she didnt even know him , now she is grieving just as we are . That is what Julian is all about . LOVE, unconditional love...

Funeral home men came to get him this afternoon. Ken carried him to the van , with his blankie (his Christmas blankie he would share with every one) one of his mimis and one of his dinosaurs.

FLY HIGH MUNCHKIN ... I love you all the way to China, you are the best ,you know that? I love your smell too baby...

Your mama, your little mama ...

And then a few days later, this:

She crumbles on to the bathroom floor,an unbelievable pain in her chest... What just happened? She is bleeding . She places her shakey hands on her heart ,expecting to feel blood flowing through her fingers . She looked down at them , NOTHING...

The hole in her heart, the incredible pain, the deep sense of drifting away, it was all about HIS death...

She is hurting beyond words...How can she explain? No one understands. Alone , on her bathroom floor, she is lost... Never will she hold him too tight again, never again will she kiss his mouth, never will she feel the weight of his little bald head on her chest and never will she have the taste of his tears on her lips...
"I want him back" She cries desperatly "I want him back,PLEASE GOD "

She gets up and get in the shower, lets the burning hot water run on her face.Maybe it will wash away the tears, maybe even it will take care of the cruel pain ...Maybe when she is done, things will be fixed and will be back to normal...
She gets dressed, looks at herself in the mirror and thinks "who is this person? " Dark circles, a few more rinkles, red ,swollen eyes... It didnt go away, this is our normal from now on, our normal life now is us without him...

Out the door, she hears the laughter of her boys. One is missing... But they are laughing still... If they can laugh, why couldnt she? If they can play and smile, she can still hug and love them, forever , because she is their mother, simply because they are part of her just as he was, just as he still is...

By the grace of God, She still smiles, by the grace of God, she will keep on.
The bathroom floor will still be her refuge, but as long as the laughter rings behind the door, she will always get back up...

I can see why it would be tempting to give up all your freedom to eradicate that kind of suffering. Through the Atonement and loving mercy of Jesus Christ can healing take place and joy be felt again . . . but when?

Our next book is The Glass Castle: A Memoir by Jeannette Walls.