Monday, March 14, 2011

Finding a Birth Mom: An Attempt

My philosophy on adoption is, if a mom can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mom (or dad). I think that most adopted children already do, even if they know nothing about their birth parents. I think it's innate to feel a connection to where you came from, and to fantasize about your first parents' looks, talents, and temperament. I know I would. Even though it's not my biological family, I am thirsty for information about my children's genetic (and social) history.

When it comes to our birth mothers I would like to initiate a relationship with those ladies--to let them know that their children are making good choices and doing well. I think that would help us all bridge the gap. I would like to send pictures and ask a ton of questions--whatever they might be comfortable with. Based on what I do know, I don't think that is very likely; however, it would be my ideal. Then when my kids are older and they want to find them--if they do--I'll have information to help them make an informed decision. The reality is that some birth parents are not emotionally or mentally healthy enough to have a relationship; I hope for the best, but that could be the case.

I have compassion and gratitude for those women who gave birth to our four amazing children. Though they haven't been physically present in our lives, they are part of our family every day. I have always tried to let our kids know that they can love and miss their birth parents and siblings, and that it's normal. I tell them I'm sure their birth families miss them, too.

So here's something interesting.

I found one of our birth mothers on facebook.

I knew her name and her hometown and her profile pic looked familiar, so I was pretty sure I had the right person. What sealed the deal was her "About Me" section. She wrote that she was missing some children and created this account so that they could find her.


I created a second facebook profile, just for the purpose of communicating with her (whom I will call Bee). I messaged her and said that I was the adoptive mom and hoped she was doing well. I told her a little about her offspring and asked if she would like to see pictures. I don't think I was too over-the-top, but maybe I was because it's been 2 weeks and she's not responded to me. I had found her once before on Myspace but she had already abandoned that account by the time I got there. Maybe she's already abandoned the facebook one, too; I'm sure there are plenty of people who set something up, never to return. I don't know. But I do hope to establish contact with her, that she's healthy. I wish her and our other birth mothers the very best--I want nothing less for my sisters in this journey.

Anyway, that's been on my mind.

I would really like to know more.

A mom can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mom, and I hope to have an opportunity to love them all.


sglick said...

Well this post made me cry. I don't know why - I'm not adopted, nor are my kids. But if I'd had to give them up - I would desperately want to know how they were doing and what choices they were making. You are a wonderful mother Rebecca!

Silver Strands said...

You are so brave. Just a couple of days ago Bryan told me that when he gets home from his mission he'd like to begin his search. I bravely told him that I'll be right beside him, all the while shaking in my boots. Now that he's 18 I'm feeling a little more secure ... your words: A mom can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mom ... those really help me. Thanks Rebecca.

Rebecca and Co. said...

Thanks, ladies. :)

Aranne and Dan said...

I love reading your thoughts.... I think about this ALL the time. I wonder how to talk about adoption, what to say, when to say it, what words to use... I LOVE that I have people like you and families like yours in my life that I can turn to for help and advice and that Blake with grow up knowing other families and kids just like him! It makes my heart smile.

Good luck on your journey wherever it takes you and I hope you can complete your circle. But just remember you are their MOM and you are a wonderful one at that!

Laura H said...

Amen to all of it!

Mopsie said...

You are one amazing woman; compassionate, loving, understanding, bright, and funny. Your kids are REALLY fortunate to have you and Bryce to mentor them while on this earth, and beyond. I know you're blessed to have them in your life, too, but I just want to say Huzzah! for you! Love you LOTS.

SweetmamaK said...

Amazing your love. You never cease to inspire me. My parents were always very open about my adoption too. There was a time I thought I needed to know my birth parents, butthrough prayer I realized that she was ok and she knew I was ok, and ultilmatly that's all I wanted her to know. It's funny how little I've ever thought of my birth dad, but I do wonder if I have little siblings that look and act like me. I'm so greatful for the gospel and the knowledge that we are all brothers and sisters and one day I'll be able to embrace my birth parents and thank them for their sacrifice.

Rebecca and Co. said...

Mom, you are so nice. Who do you think I learned all those good qualities from, hm? I say HUZZAH! to you also. :)

Kareena, I thought of you as I wrote this and wondered if you, as an adopted child, had tried to find your birth parents. Thank you for your perspective. One of our kids seems to have no interest, one has a very keen interest, and the little ones don't have the wherewithall to even desire it yet.

Mary is 11--I would love to know how are birth mothers were at that age. How were they before anything bad happened, with all the hopes and dreams in the world?

Were they musical? Athletic? Smart? Animal-loving? Computer-savvy? Friendly? Shy? Stubborn? Determined? Laid-back? Did they want to be doctors, teachers, lawyers, beauticians, actresses, singers, nurses, or mothers? Who were they before life changed them? Who are they now?

I may never know, but I sure would like to try.

The Hardy's said...

I just have to say that all your kiddos are lucky to have you as their mom. You love them all and I KNOW you want them to be happy and comfortable with who they are and will become. Good luck with finding their birth moms. I hope the one you 'facebooked' will respond.