Judgement

Mary went to church today (hallelujah) but she wouldn't take her pajama bottoms off under her dress. I really never thought that "pick your battles" would include letting that kind of thing slide. Luckily she had on a maxi dress and her hot pink sleep pants didn't show. I was just so incredibly relieved we didn't have to fight her to come with us (we used a friend's upcoming birthday party as leverage) that I didn't want to engage in a power struggle over wearing pajamas under her Sunday best.

It's to that point.

If I have ever--and I know I have--judged a parent by the things their kids do or don't do, I would very much like to recant my previous statements. I am learning that I set the standards, the tone, and the consequences but I cannot force anyone to do anything. And for any parent who says, "Yes you can. You just make them do it," I say: Meet my daughter. Really, I invite you to pull her out from under the bed, stuff her in the car, drag her into the building, and make her sit next to you. It is a physical and emotional battle you have to prepare for. I wasn't ready for it last week and I cried all three hours of church when I failed. It is a sticky situation making religious attendance an issue even when the objection is desire and not doctrine.

There were consequences, of course. No ipod, no friends, no Wii. My biggest struggle was the resentment I felt towards her. I told her that I wanted to rid myself of the negative feelings I had and invited her to do Personal Progress with me. She agreed and chose one of the value experiences about improving a relationship with a family member. Her first choice was the dog, and when I said it had to be a human she pointed out, "No, it just says a member of the family." Finally she agreed to choose Tyce. Doing something positive with her helped me clear my head and my heart and I actually heard her being very nice to her older brother. I don't want my love to seem conditional to my kids--that they only deserve my attention and time when they tow the line. But believe me, it's hard.

When she went to Mutual I let her have Katy over, let her go to Taya's house with the understanding that church on Sunday was non-negotiable. She agreed and she followed through. I wonder what it will take to get her there next week.

But taking it one day at a time, today was a good day. She didn't sleep at all last night so I guess I can credit her all-nighter with her ability to be awake on time.

My kids are getting too old for me to talk about them like this though. Maybe I'll start a new blog with pseudonyms so I can write everything with abandon. I don't tell you even a fraction of what goes on here because if I did--you wouldn't want to read it.

So basically what I'm saying is that when you see a child struggling, acting out, running away, or whatever--it doesn't mean that the parents don't care. They probably care a great deal, so much that their hearts and heads ache from desperately trying to figure out how to best deal with them. Whether a child follows in their parents' footsteps or not is not the sole indicator of a "good" mom or dad. These are things I'm discovering every day.